Ten tips for the girl who would be Queen
Despite the rough patches, Kate Middleton still seems odds on favourite for the fillies’ Group One Classic, The Prince William Stakes at Royal Ascot.
In recent days she appears to have forged a new relationship with the tribes of paparazzi that live in tepees outside London’s fashionable wateringholes. Some commentators are even suggesting that tame picture editors are airbrushing her shots to create a new glam icon for their front pages.
Is this wise? Is Kate going too far with her endless to-ing and fro-ing outside nightclub entrances in dresses where decolletage and hemline almost merge?
Big questions we have not ducked here at Royal Anecdotes. Today, we assemble a friendly list of ten tips for “the girl who would be Queen”.
1. Be dull — but not dreary. A future Queen should never be a follower of the wilder nightclubbing set. She should arrange her life so that no big photo opportunities occur for the paparazzi. Princes naturally shy away from overt celebrity. They don’t need it, so you don’t either. Prince William is particularly hyper-sensitive in this area.
2. Wear tweed at Cheltenham. It’s not Royal Ascot where temperatures can soar to 60F on good days. Cheltenham is bitingly cold and windy in March. Forget fashion, that’s for the London set. Out in the sticks, stick to the thick stuff. People like sensible Queens.
3. Speak occasionally. The public will not know who you are until they’ve heard your voice. A few inconsequential pleasantries to waiting journalists will do you the world of good and allow your intelligence to show through. However, don’t speak in estuary English to impress the BBC. It’s not worth impressing.
4. Avoid being associated with certain people. These include, organizers of orgies, lap dancers, mooners, all manner of pranksters and would-be court jesters.
5. Let the Prince do the chasing. He’s Army fit, so is quite capable of lifting his right arm. Don’t mollycoddle unless specifically requested to do so.
6. Don’t call him “Sir” in bed. It’s so middle class. “Prinny” is a suitable alternative and has historical precedents.
7. Never tell his secrets out of school. Small intimate incidents always look ridiculous in cold print, and can be manipulated to appear hilarious, especially to occupants of public houses.
8. Be explicit about your trajectory. When entering a room or function with camera crews in attendance, state loudly and clearly, “I’m now coming in”. When leaving, say, “I’m now going out”. This especially applies if the BBC is involved.
9. When a secret is out, let it be out. If the world and his wives and girlfriends know you are back together, don’t sit apart or pretend to be complete strangers. You will only look like prize plonkers.
10. Don’t cultivate a permatan. You’ll look like a Californian prune before you’re 40. English girls don’t tan well — or so I’m told — and being a Queen is a lifelong profession.
Always look absolutely stunning — even if you have to wear a full face of make up to rowing practice. This enhances your celebrity and iconic status, something that comes in handy during the inevitable rough patches.
Don’t expect the Royal family, their Household and hangers-on to “get it.” This is the 21th century, we live in a world of images where aristocracy is not so much about lineage but about photogenic appeal. You ARE a member the 21st century aristocracy.
Never forget that you provide a valuable service to the public - entertainment in form of celebrity soap opera. So pace the trajectory of story — keep them guessing as to what is going, show up at unexpected place, display subtly different emotional states to the photograpers, pratice the ambiguous gesture with other characters in the story during photo-ops.
Don’t let the public know what you are really like - they will be invariably disappointed. Maintain yourself essentially a blank slate upon which they can project their hopes, fantasies, envies and even, consipiracy theories. Speculation not facts keeps a royal celebrity in good graces, in the public eye and as a topic of conversation.
By Alicia on July 30th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Alicia, that was hysterical! I especially liked the last point.
As for the permatan–yeah, that’ll age her real quick. I’m originally from California, and it does freak me out to see just how much my classmates who have worshipped the sun all these have aged, as opposed to those who sensibly stayed indoors.
By Marie on July 30th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
should read: “all these years have aged.” Need morning coffee . . .
By Marie on July 30th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Alicia, good stuff, except that the Royal Family have a constitutional role in Britain, albeit as a kind of referee. They do need to be respected then, especially when in “the top job”, as Diana called it.
Celebrities don’t cut the mustard, I’m afraid.
By John on July 30th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Thanks John … I meant it all tongue-in-cheek
By Alicia on July 30th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
John, I think the most important thing is for Kate to be herself. I also think that is exactly what she is doing. I doubt that she needs any tips from anyone. She appears to me to have excellent common sense and a healthy approach to life and it’s pressures and challenges.
By Gigi on July 30th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
I think Kate has done well just being her natural self, which is the
best way to go because if she is going to get “the top job” she is going to have to win William’s love first.
By Jean on July 30th, 2007 at 11:35 pm
It WAS a photo shoot! Hello magazine proclaims such on its cover this week. Apparently they organized a photo shoot of the Sisterhood so they could take pictures of Kate. A win-win, right? Kate gets her “stunning” and “future queen” articles, and the Sisterhood gets loads of publicity they otherwise wouldn’t have had. ALL the photos of the past few days of Kate rowing were staged. Now, who would like to say that Miss Middleton was completely “au naturel” and completely unassuming for her photo shoot? Not me.
By Elizabeth on July 31st, 2007 at 11:49 am
I agree, Elizabeth, Kate gets her Queen moments and the crew get their publicity, and no doubt a lump sum from Hello!.
But she needs to be careful. As Diana found, the press that jumps to your every demand will finally devour you — because that’s a great story too.
By John on July 31st, 2007 at 11:59 am
Pardon this inquiry from an “ugly American.” Why was it necessary for Diana Spencer to have been a virgin prior to her marriage to Prince Charles, yet Ms. Middleton appears to be very “familiar” with her current beau?
By Mary on July 31st, 2007 at 2:15 pm
I’m sure you’re not “an ugly American”, Mary.
As for your query, times change.
By John on July 31st, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Mary, because of the moral standards that were still upheld in the time frame during which Charles dated and wed Princess Diana, the Palace powers-that-be insisted that the Heir must marry a girl who did not have a ‘past.’ For whatever reason, that standard, and the standard basically forbidding divorce among senior Royals, has been abandoned. The standard was of longstanding and concerned securing the integrity of the bloodline as well as the reputation and probity of the Royal Family. As John says, times change.
By Gigi on July 31st, 2007 at 7:31 pm