Here at Royal Anecdotes we’re often asked about courses on how to be a toff. I’m sure there are many, but here’s our own short introduction to being a toff even if you’re a pauper :

I’m Burlington Bertie I rise at ten thirty
and saunter along like a toff
I walk down the Strand with my gloves on my hand
Then I walk down again with them off
I’m all airs and graces correct easy paces
Without food so long I’ve forgot where my face is
I’m Bert, Bert, I haven’t a shirt
But my people are well off you know.
Nearly everyone knows me from Smith to Lord Rosebr’y,
I’m Burlington Bertie from Bow.

I stroll
With Lord Hurlington,
Roll
In The Burlington
Call for Champagne
Walk out again
Come back and borrow the ink
I live most expensive
Like Tom Lipton I’m in the swim
He’s got so much ‘oof’ he sleeps on the roof
And I live in the room over him.

I’m Burlington Bertie I rise at ten thirty
And saunter along Temple Bar
As round there I skip
I keep shouting ‘Pip Pip!’
And the darn’d fools think I’m in my car
At Rothchilds I swank it
My body I plank it
On his front door step with ‘The Mail’ for a blanket
I’m Bert, Bert, and Rothchild was hurt
He said ‘ You can’t sleep there’ I said ‘Oh’
He said ‘I’m Rothchild sonny!’ I said ‘That’s damn’d funny
I’m Burlington Bertie from Bow’

I smile
Condescendingly
While they’re extending me
Cheer upon cheer
When I appear
Captain with my polo team
So strict are my people
They’re William the Conqueror’s strain
If they ever knew I’d been talking to you
Why they’d never look at me again

I’m Burlington Bertie I rise at ten thirty
And reach Kempton park around three
I stand by the rail, when a horse is for sale
And you ought to see Wooton watch me
I lean on some awning while Lord Derby’s yawning
Then he bids two thousand and I bid Good Morning
I’m Bert, Bert, I’d buy one, a Cert
But where would I keep it you know
I can’t let my man see me in bed with a gee-gee
I’m Burlington Bertie from Bow!

My pose,
Tho’ ironical
Shows
That my monocle
Holds up my face, keeps it in place,
Stops it from slipping away.
Cigars,
I smoke thousands,
I usually deal in The Strand
But you’ve got to take care when you’re getting them there
Or some idiot might stand on your hand.

I’m Burlington Bertie I rise at ten thirty
And Buckingham Palace I view.
I stand in the yard while they’re changing the guard
And the Queen shouts across “Toodle oo”!
The Prince of Wales’ brother along with some other
Slaps me on the back and says “Come and see Mother”
But I’m Bert, Bert, and Royalty’s hurt,
When they ask me to dine I say no.
I’ve just had a banana with Lady Diana
I’m Burlington Bertie from Bow.