Breaking news from the Glasgow Daily Record : Prince William may be marrying a Swede. Here’s the story :

A new film, The Queen, reveals the Duke of Edinburgh has an unusual nickname for his wife — Cabbage.

There’s a scene in which Elizabeth, played by Helen Mirren, is seen in bed at Balmoral. As Philip (James Cromwell) removes his dressing gown he says: “Move over, Cabbage.”

The nickname is vouched for by celebrated Royal biographer Robert Lacey, who said: “Yes, I’ve heard that is how he will sometimes refer to her.”

Things are starting to make sense here. It may explain why Prince Charles has cauliflower ears, why Andrew hooked up with a carrot-top, why Anne has a chip on her shoulder, and why Edward turns beetroot in the company of women.

Memo to Kate Middleton: sorry to disappoint you, but we fear William is destined to marry a swede.