Harry and Chelsy in happier times.

Royal reporting is reaching a pretty pass when a 20-second kiss is given a major writeup in a mass market but “serious” UK tabloid newspaper. Here’s just part of it:

“Dawn was breaking over south Kensington as Prince Harry heard a bird plaintively sounding the morning chorus from above.

” ‘Oh, Harry, give us a kiss!’ trilled stunning TV presenter Natalie Pinkham.

“Whatever would Chelsy think?

“Perhaps that was the thought playing on Harry’s mind when he replied ‘Not here’ and ushered the brunette down the steps of a friend’s basement flat for their 5am embrace.

“It was left to one of his police protection officers to act as gallant chauffeur when they parted at 5am yesterday.

“Could the reason for Harry’s reticence be that the girl in question, TV presenter Natalie Pinkham, 27, has been linked with the young Royal in the past, somewhat to his embarrassment? ”

Is that a story?

Talk of a falling out between Kate Middleton and Chelsy Davy, long-standing Royal girlfriends, seemed a tad overdone on Saturday night. Both Kate and Chelsy, along with their Princely escorts, turned up for a bash at the Beaufort Polo club in Gloucestershire.

“SW7 Meets GL8″ was billed as a wild party organized by Boujis, the Kensington nightclub favoured by the Princes. Highlights of the event included:

“Kate was bewitching William with her seductive show. She was wearing a floral flamenco-style skirt and a tight black top that really showed off her figure, and was grinding up against him in the middle of the dance floor.”

Chelsy and Prince Harry, though, kept themselves apart. “Chelsy and Harry didn’t dance once,” said an onlooker. “They sat deep in conversation all night. It looked as though they were having a really serious discussion.”

They didn’t lack for stimulation: “Harry and Chelsy were enjoying specially-created Beaufortini shots, which were lurid green and absolutely lethal.”

Almost a reversal of roles, wasn’t it?

The blower from Boujis is live with tales of a falling out between Kate Middleton and Chelsy Davy.

Apparently, Kate offered to help Chelsy by letting her stay in her flat in London. She also invited her on a shopping trip in Sloaneland. It seems Chelsy has rebuffed her kind approaches.

Katie Nicholl reports a Royal source as saying, “Kate is the older of the two and wanted to make an effort with Chelsy. You can tell just by looking at them that they are not really alike, but Kate decided to ask Chelsy to go shopping. She was rather taken aback when Chelsy said thanks, but no thanks. Apparently, Chelsy doesn’t like English fashion.”

Katie Nicholl, writing in the UK Mail on Sunday says, “The snub has enraged Kate’s close friends and family — who are privately said to dislike Chelsy’s racier choice of attire — and Kate has now said that she does not want to spend time with Chelsy.”

The word “enraged” is probably an exaggeration typical of Royal reporting. I would imagine that “disappointed” would be a fairer summary of the general reaction. However, Kate’s non-appearance at Prince Harry’s Passing Out Parade at Sandhurst is put down to this spat.

“Kate was due to go as Harry really likes her and William was there, but when Chelsy decided to fly over at the last minute, Kate decided to stay away. It was her way of showing Chelsy her behaviour had been noticed.”

Kate Middleton has never been photographed with Chelsy Davy, it emerges. She is said to “dislike the influence the hard-drinking younger girl has on Harry, William and their chums.”

More Royal feuds to fuel the tabloid press, then?

You couldn’t make it up. Prince William’s almost-betrothed girlfriend, Kate Middleton, attended a party to open the Wimbledon tennis tournament and danced with social outcast, Guy Pelly, close friend of the two Princes.

Pelly, they say, is a reformed character. His exploits, like being arrested for climbing onto the roof of an all-girl’s school in Tewksbury, and his alleged part in introducing Prince Harry to drugs, seem to be forgotten now.

The party was hosted by Virgin boss Sir Richard Branson at The Roof Gardens in Kensington.

Get on down, Kate.